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Welcome!

My name is Dana Duell. I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma blood cancer in December of 2015. You can read the beginning of my “cancer journey” at the bottom of the page here with newer post on the top. After a year of treatment in 2016, I was able to enjoy a 2 year remission. However, my disease is active again as of 2019.

While I don’t want cancer to be the only focus of this blog, it is a big part of my life. Something happens when you seriously contemplate your own mortality. Priorities become more clear; things like family, faith, community, and what you leave behind become more urgent.

I have always loved writing for myself. In this new season, I am choosing to share my thoughts on scripture, prayer and having hope in the middle of cancer because that’s what I want to “leave behind” – whether that is in a year or 10 years!

Blogging is great; I can jot down the thoughts that run through my head – changing from devotions to life challenges to things I want to share with you on the web – fluidly and as my circumstances change. Keeping most posts to 3-5 minutes of reading for you! I hope you enjoy that approach and find what I write uplifting, interesting or relatable.

So welcome! And thanks for sharing my headspace for a little while!

Dana

Good Bye and God Bless

It has been some time since I last posted….the reason being that this is my last post. The clinical trial medicine ended up having mixed results…until it was decided by the doctors that it was not effective in treating my myeloma. This was my last option, and I have since moved to home hospice.

I have been blessed to have my mom, dad, sister and nephew with me for many weeks. It has been great for the boys to see their cousin and play in this time of Covid shut-in. Because I have had some time in preparing, I even had a lovely recorded message from my extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins reminiscing of childhood memories and other personal messages. I felt very loved.

And now, as I approach death and passing on to Heaven, I pray for my loved ones in their grieving. I will miss them and fought to live longer with them. However, for me, I feel peace as I look ahead and think of Heaven. I am comforted by the passages on Heaven and receiving “new bodies”. Two of my favorites are Rev 21:3-4 and Rev 22:4-5

 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And also,

 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.  And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.

These thoughts bring me comfort and hope. For those who know me…I hope they will bring you some comfort as well until we meet again.

Love ALWAYS,

Dana

Praise God for Good News!

(….after fear, doubt and, finally…faith in prayer!)

Last week, as I was writing about the Holy Spirit, I was also struggling. And when I say I was struggling, I mean I was struggling in prayer over my very life – was I going to live or die!

As a quick update/overview….I have exhausted my treatment options for Multiple Myeloma. I did not even qualify for clinical trial drugs because my platelets were so low and my bones were not producing blood cells on their own. I was working with my doctor to access these experimental drugs through “compassionate care use”. In some rare cases, and according to specific guidelines, drug companies will sometimes release the treatment early to cases like mine. Praise God, we were given access to this treatment!

In the middle of this process I went into the hospital for bone pain. I got on some intense pain killers for cancer patients, I started the new treatment there, got some radiation, and finally, between it all, got to come home just as the hospitals were being cleared out to make way for covid-19 patients. Again, I thank God for his perfect timing!

Now, 3 treatments in, it was time to see if the drug was working. I would be looking at several blood tests to see. We were waiting to hear the results…it was intense to say the least! As you can see from the title of this post – PRAISE GOD! The drugs are working! The myeloma numbers are coming down!!! We are STILL in the middle of the fight! My bone marrow STILL needs to recover! Prayers are STILL needed! Yet, here I am, full of hope and praise and love for the faithful God who is carrying me through this storm! He is good. He loves me and is with me. Above all, he is a God who answers prayers! Amen! I cannot express the relief, gratitude and hope I now have! Hope in God’s faithfulness.

However, I also want to share the struggle, because I feel like it took wrestling with God, like Jacob to get to this point! In the beginning of this trial, God gave me a verse to hold onto:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:1-3

There have been SO MANY TIMES I have turned to this verse for comfort. Not just for the promise of passing through the waters and fires of this trial, but for the knowledge that “I am His” That he is with me. And that he is my Savior. There were many times I didn’t feel his presence. I had to ask: How can I “Fear not”? What does it mean that he is my Savior? Does that mean eternally or now? I certainly felt overwhelmed by the trial I was and am facing. Am I going to live or die is about as critical as it can get!

So, I have been wrestling with God for a long time. Wrestling with him about healing…wrestling with him about, and in, prayer…wrestling with him with my fears and doubts and worries for my family. During this period of seeking and wrestling with God, I often felt like this: Alone and scared.

And this is where we find Jacob in scripture. He is about to face his brother who he had betrayed and he was afraid for his life and that of his family. What did he do? He sent gifts ahead of him as he approached Esau to appease his brother’s anger. Finally he brought his family across the ford, while he stayed alone:

“And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.”Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” 

Gen 32:24-30

I want to share what parallels I find here in this account from Genesis and my own experiences and maybe it will bless you too.

First off, Jacob was alone. We need Christian fellowship, prayer and encouragement, but there are some places and times that we just need to enter into alone. The times of prayer and seeking God takes getting away alone. One of the blessings of this trial and recovery has been the time alone in my bed that I have available for prayer.

Then there was a mysterious man that Jacob was wrestling with all night. When the man saw that Jacob would not let go – that he wouldn’t give up – his last-ditch effort was to put his hip out of joint. It was a wound that would mark and define Jacob the rest of his life.Then the man said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” It was only because Jacob held on and would not let go that he would get the blessing. Yet, that wrestling would leave him with a mark that would forever remind him and define him. Wrestling with God will change us and mark us. It has for me.

It is also interesting to me that there was an appointed time for the wrestling: night! And with the dawn of day, the “man” would depart. The trial would end at a predetermined and God appointed time. But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” He clearly believes that there is a spiritual component going on. He did not just wrestle with an ordinary man – he asks for blessing.

And THAT, to me, is the whole point of the trial! The wrestling, the “asking, seeking, and knocking” on the Father’s door which brings us to our knees. There is a pattern throughout scripture that I see which is that these blessings come AFTER the trials, suffering, and wrestling of these great heroes of faith. Wrestling, suffering, and trials are going to be on the path to redemption and knowing God -if we continue to hold on!

 Then, dawn approaches. The man said to him (knowing full well the answer), “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel (which means “He has strived with God), for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” God reveals himself! That is a blessing! AND he has given him a new name, which is extremely significant in Jewish culture because it was believed that your name defines you. So, through this trial Jacob would become Israel, the Father of a nation! Another blessing.

Still…I think Jacob is a little cheeky as he asks God, “What is your name?” But God didn’t seem to mind or have a reason to answer that at this time, so he simply blessed him. And Jacob named the place Peniel, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” 

It is satisfying to me that God chose to leave some questions unanswered. Isn’t that always the case anyway? We may get some “answers”, but we may not. It is ultimately up to God, but it doesn’t change his nature and character of who he is.

Through this trial, Jacob saw God “face to face, and yet his life has been delivered,” This has been my experience! Praise God! I have grown closer to Jesus as I looked for him in scripture, prayer and readings. The week before we found out my good news, I feel like the Lord led me to a very good book on prayer by Charles Spurgeon: The Power of Prayer. Through it, I have been challenged and grown in faith in the power of prayer. It is just one tool, God used to build me up, stir my heart in faith in God, and teach me of his love and goodness. He did this all through his Holy Spirit at work in my life! Praise Jesus!

So…when I got the good news tht the medicine is working….my tear of relief were sweeter, my praise was deeper, and my faith has grown because the dawn has come!

Pentecost: What the Heck is the Holy Spirit?

My last post was an Easter post. Easter is the biggest Christian holiday we celebrate each year – Jesus’s death on the cross, not ending in death, but in life and resurrection! It is the cornerstone of the Christian faith.  Following the resurrection, Jesus then was alive with his disciples, teaching them, even appearing to more than 500 people at a time(1 Cor 15:6). He then gave us the “great commission” –  “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you” (Matthew 28:19-20). The gospels (the accounts of the life of Jesus through Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) end with Jesus ascending to heaven.

The Book of Acts picks up from there, which is where I want to go to next because Pentecost is coming!

Beginning in Acts 1:3-5:

After his suffering, he presented himself to them (the disciples) and gave many convincing proofs that he was alive. He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God. On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: “Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.” Acts 1:3-5

This day of baptism would fall on the Jewish holiday of Pentecost or Shavuoth, also sometimes called the “Feast of Weeks”. It was a grain festival the Jewish people celebrated as commanded in Exodus 34:22: You shall observe the festival of weeks, the first fruits of wheat harvest, and the festival of ingathering at the turn of the year. So there were many Jewish people from all over coming to celebrate the holiday.

Pentecost is also one of those Christian holidays you may or may not take notice of, but it is awesome! – the filling of the believers with the Holy Spirit! This year Pentecost falls on May 31st, and I thought it would be good to prepare for the holiday by writing and sharing about the third person of God – the Holy Spirit!

I guess the first thing to talk about is the “who”, not “what” of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is a person, not a thing. And even though there is the word “Spirit” or in some traditions “Holy Ghost”, he is not an apparition of some kind, but rather a complete “person” or entity as part of the trinity of God. As an equal part of God, he has the same nature and being as God the Father and Jesus the Son. Just as when Jesus said, “because you have seen the Son, you have seen the Father”, so it is with the Holy Spirit.

The next most important thing to talk about is His purpose in God’s plan. It is the Holy Spirit who draws us to know Jesus; he is the promised gift or seal of “God within us” for the new believer – giving us conviction that we are saved and belong to God; he teaches us to be more Christ-like and brings about conviction and power to conquer sin in our lives; he is sometimes called “Counselor”, “Spirit of Truth” or even “The Voice of the Lord”. It is by the Holy Spirit that there are signs and wonders, but these are to point to saving work of Christ on the cross.

Christ knew that he would come after him…after his resurrection. He had prepared his disciples with these words:

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. John 14:16-17

And also,

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. John 14:26

When Jesus asked the disciples to wait in Jerusalem for the baptism of the Holy Spirit, I am sure they didn’t know what to expect!  I doubt they realized the power of God, which was going to come down on them!

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place.  Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting.  They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. Acts 2:1-4

The purpose of the ability to speak in different languages was that there was in Jerusalem Jews from every nation gathered. Through this miracle, those visiting Jerusalem from many different places could hear and understand the testimony of the believers about Jesus. That is what happened: as soon as the believers received the Spirit of God, they began to praise God, talk of the wonders of God and Jesus Christ,

The crowd reacted:

Utterly amazed, they asked: “Aren’t all these who are speaking Galileans?  Then how is it that each of us hears them in our native language?  Parthians, Medes and Elamites; residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia,Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya near Cyrene; visitors from Rome(both Jews and converts to Judaism); Cretans and Arabs—we hear them declaring the wonders of God in our own tongues!” Amazed and perplexed, they asked one another, “What does this mean?”

Some, however, made fun of them and said, “They have had too much wine.”

Peter boldly got up and began to preach and teach about Jesus. He was bold and spoke the words God gave him to say, because he was speaking through the influence of the newly poured out Holy Spirit and many believed him asking:

“Brothers, what shall we do?”

Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.  The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call.”
 With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, “Save yourselves from this corrupt generation.” Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day. Acts 2:37-41

It was not Peter who convinced 3,000 people to believe in Jesus. It is the work of God, specifically the work of the Spirit of God working through Peter. The Holy Spirit prepares people’s hearts to hear and accept the word of God. So, he calls us to God. Sometimes it happens seemingly all at once, but usually it is a little bit at a time. Giving us some glimpses, some questions, or just a desire for something more from God. He has been working since that Pentecost outpouring on the disciples long ago and has not stopped moving since.

On a more personal note…

Besides my own conversion which changed my life, I would have to say the aspect of the Holy Spirit I love the most is the intimacy of God/Jesus always being with me. The knowledge that I am never alone, that I can always pray and ask for help, or comfort, or wisdom. He is my secure knowledge that I belong to God because he speaks into my life regularly.

The Holy Spirit is open to each of us as we seek him. Jesus said:

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Luke 11:9-13

If you find yourself wanting the Holy Spirit to enter your heart, so that you can experience forgiveness and cleansing of sin, and new life in Christ, I don’t have all the answers, but you are welcome to contact me at dana@danasdevotions.net.

It begins with a simple prayer where you recognize that you have done wrong against God and other people (sin), and you ask for forgiveness from God. You put your faith and belief that Jesus’s death on the cross was unique in that it paid for our sins. As you thank Jesus for his death and resurrection you can rest assured that he forgives all sin for those who are truly sorry and desire forgiveness. When you believe in Jesus’s death and resurrection, and put your faith in him, you are then at peace with God! He has made you holy through the blood of Jesus, not by your effort, but through Christ. This is grace. You belong to him as part of his family and can receive the Holy Spirit by asking Him to enter your heart. Ask him to teach you and be a helper to you as begin your life as Christian. You will have lots of questions. Being a Christian is not just about being forgiven of sin once, it is a lifetime of following God and learning about him and his ways. God is loving and patient. This is a long-term love relationship, not boot camp. Still, little by little, as you grow you will find yourself changing and loving God and others all the more. And isn’t love what everything comes down to in the end anyway?

Weird Easter

This Easter has been weird. Isolation from church and family is wearing on us all here. We miss people and being out and about! Personally, I am still struggling with recovering from back pain and cancer treatment which is making a difficult situation THAT much more difficult. This has been a hard Easter. While past Easters have revolved around rejoicing, and celebrating, and candy and kids running around on sugar highs (ok, that’s still happening); there is a heaviness to this Easter that just feels…different. So, let me dig into reading and reflecting on the resurrection and see what God reveals to me today. When things are tough, scripture is a great place to turn to. I am reading through the gospels, of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, from the time of the empty tomb to the ascension and final commission, with most of the reading in Luke and John.

Starting in Luke 24, the women who were mourning went to prepare Jesus’ body with spices and ointments as soon as they were able to after the Passover. They went and discovered the tomb was empty where angels appear to them asking the question “why are you looking for the living among the dead?” What a poignant question!

He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’”Then they remembered his words. When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others.

Jesus’s death and resurrection has changed everything! There is something unique happening in Jesus’ death unlike the world has ever seen. Even his disciples would need time and help to grasp…to understand that this is the beginning of the “New Testament”.

Then Simon Peter came along behind him and went straight into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the cloth that had been wrapped around Jesus’ head. The cloth was still lying in its place, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.) Then the disciples went back to where they were staying. John 20:6-10

It looks to me like there is hope, but not yet understanding. Sometimes I feel like that! I just don’t know how all of these things going on now are meant to play out. What it all means…what God is doing. I believe he has a plan and somehow these awful, scary, circumstances fit into it as much as the joyous happy times, but I don’t/can’t see the big picture. I am just not that smart or wise to see it unless God somehow reveals it to me. That’s were the trust and belief come in…believing and trusting in the goodness of God when not good things are happening around me. Not only that, but trusting that when I get to heaven, it will all have been worth it! All of the pains and heartaches will be wiped away and heaven will be a place of unspeakable joy and beauty unlike what the human mind can imagine. This time on earth IS NOT heaven. We just haven’t arrived yet.

Jesus continues to reveal himself more and more. He appears to Mary in John 20. At first, she doesn’t recognize him believing him to be a gardener until he says her name “Mary”. He gives her the message to share that he will soon be ascending to the Father. Similarly, he appears to two disciples on the road to Emmaus in Luke 24. He teaches them about how all that has happened has fulfilled scripture. They invited him to their home and broke bread with him. When he broke the bread and blessed it, it was like a veil uncovering their eyes! They recognized that it was Jesus with them! And he vanished from their sight!

What is happening? Why is he not recognized, then seen, then disappears again? I think the clue is in the n the upper room, the disciples are meeting discussing these very things when suddenly Jesus is in the room with them! And I think it has to do with doubt. It is a recurring theme from the time of the empty tomb all the way up to the ascension. And I don’t think Jesus is playing mind games popping in and out. I think we ourselves blind ourselves to Jesus and what he wants to do in our lives with our doubts. That’s what I want to think about today. So here he is in appearing out of the blue and listen to what he says from Luke 14: 36-49.

“Peace be with you.”

 They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost.  He said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds?  Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have.”

When he had said this, he showed them his hands and feet.  And while they still did not believe it because of (Jesus’) joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?”  They gave him a piece of broiled fish, and he took it and ate it in their presence.

 He said to them, “This is what I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms.”

Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. He told them, “This is what is written: The Messiah will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.  You are witnesses of these things.  I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.” (This is reference to the disciples receiving the Holy Spirit at Pentecost).

The disciples who walked with Jesus, taught with him, lived with him, and now were grieving him so deeply…these men and women of faith doubted. They doubted even as Jesus was appearing to them. They thought he was a ghost. They still didn’t understand that he was alive! Alive with a new body, but living and even eating! Something entirely new was happening and it can’t be reasoned out and figured out all on their own. It takes Jesus himself supernaturally opening their minds and ours!

There are things in this world that can not be understood with reason alone. Some things need to be understood with revelation. Revelation is knowledge that comes from God. It is by mercy and undeserved grace that we receive revelation. If you are struggling with doubt, I recommend praying for help from God to give you revelation and faith to see, not just glimpses of Jesus winking in and out, but to really have eyes to “see” him.

Poor Thomas missed this whole exchange!

So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”

But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:24-29

That’s us. We probably aren’t going to be able to put our fingers into the wounds of Christ, but we can “Stop doubting and believe.” Sometimes we just need to make it a choice to live with the knowledge that there can be doubts and faith all mixed together. That for some of us, probably even most of us, we are not going to have the purity of complete conviction all of the time. Even among the disciples there was a range of faith and responses to Jesus. John seemed to have unusual faith, while Thomas was known as the doubter. I think he is given a hard time because he does have faith and believe. My point is that we all have different amounts of faith. That’s ok, it doesn’t have to disqualify us form a relationship with Jesus – when Jesus never did. He knows our hearts and loves us where we are and can increase our faith over time if we bring all of us to him and commit ourselves to him with what faith we do have.

Jesus continues to appear to the disciples and teach them up until the time of his ascension when he would return to his Father and assume his throne in Heaven alive in his new body!

 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefor go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surly I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

There he is leaving us to carry on his plan. US! Can you believe it? The doubters and the weak and the prideful and sinners. Why? I think because in spite of all of our sins, we are his! And he is shaping us and molding us and teaching us to be something more than we would ever be on our own without him. WE are children of God and he is with us! We are living out the new covenant with him and it is beautiful in its mercy and grace.

So here I am today in a tough Easter. No matter what doubts I have in my cancer circumstances, or how messed up this pandemic is, I am confident that faith comes through prayer and the work of the Holy Spirit. It is ok when I struggle, I don’t have to fake it or pretend I have it all together. I just need to humbly ask God to increase my faith in times of need and he has been faithful to help me. When I pray and read scripture, I feel my Spirit being strengthened again. Having hope in his goodness – again. Being comforted – again. He is faithful.

What I would never want to do is to use my doubts, fears and anxieties as a means and reasoning to reject Christ. As Christians, we are given such grace in our wrestling with God, in asking questions, in crying out our fears, worries and anxieties. He is patient and kind with us, and I love that! So be encouraged wherever you are this Easter. You are not alone. And if you feel far from Jesus, I can think of no better time to pray and have a heart to heart with Jesus…asking for him to show himself to you and being vulnerable enough to believe even when there are questions, because sometimes belief comes before the answers.

So yeah, it’s a weird Easter. And that’s ok. When all is said and done: for today, “OK” is good enough because Jesus IS enough.

I Am Irritable! How About You?

Can I just keep it real? This sucks! Obviously, this sucks! Cancer, Covid-19, isolation, pain, stress and anxiety. We are all going through something right now. For me, I am just plain irritable!

Being the savvy patient that I am, with tons of time on my hands, I research irritability with all of the sophistication of a single click. Guess what?… it is a response to stress and anxiety. No surprise there.

So here I am, being a pain in the ass to my sweet care givers and feeling emotionally stunted because I know I am behaving unreasonably! I currently am having all of the self-control of a 2 year old. It is so embarrassing to be able to cognitively recognize that I am being unreasonable – snapping over dumb stuff, having a combative tone, and just not filtering my thoughts and words with basic courtesy – and yet feel helpless to change my behavior.

Have you been here? Is all of this stress and anxiety getting to you too? Maybe you feel irritable like me, or something else? Some other negative emotional state that feels “out of control”?

Can I say two things that seem contradictory?…because I am talking to myself now!

  1. This is a hard time. We are human. We will respond to stress and anxiety with all of the natural and predictable responses that we are predisposed to respond with – including irritability. So, be gentle and patient with yourself and one another. This is a hard time.
  2. Even though it is a natural response to be irritable, it is not an excuse to treat our loved ones in uncaring ways. So we have to figure out how to deal with uncomfortable feelings and work through them as best we can for everyone’s sake. No free passes!

What to do? How to deal?

I think starting with an apology is always a safe bet. Restoring relationship through confession of our shortcomings and asking for and giving forgiveness is always at the heart of restoration – whether that be between us and God or us and other people.

It takes humility to be honest about how we are struggling….not making excuses for our behavior, but listening to our loved ones and how our attitude and failings has effected them. Sometimes we just need to clear the air and ask for a fresh start. In this area, I feel so blessed by my family.

That feeling of irritability can be a beast though! Sometimes it is best to just recognize when I am not fit for human company and take some time alone and regroup.

Then there is finding the things that will tip the scale in the other direction. Things that fill your cup. There are spiritual practices to reorient me to He who can give me strength and even joy in hard times. Reading scripture, prayer, worship music, meditation. Most of us know what to do – we just don’t feel like doing it! Maybe start with whatever comes easiest to you, but do it anyway. Sometimes we act BEFORE we feel and the feeling comes later.

Listening to worship music is one of the things that REALLY helps me a lot! I am not a musical person by nature, but filling my thoughts with good things helps tremendously. And it is easy!

Deep breathing and slowing my heart rate down helps settle me.

Then there is the less obvious spiritual things:

Call a friend, go for a walk, plan something that will make you happy and do it! Small things tip the scale.

For me, this morning, it has been writing and sharing with all of you! Thanks for letting me vent that this is hard!

Thanks for letting me have hope that we don’t need to get stuck in the yuck! We can get through it together!

What REALLY Matters

I have been in the hospital for a month, so it goes without saying that it is good to be home!

I went into the emergency room sometime in February with uncontrolled pain. It is a terrible part of my disease that healthy bone marrow is being crowded out by cancer cells. In my case, my T7 vertebrae has been almost completely infiltrated with myeloma and it just plain hurts! I have lots of other spots where the bone is being compromised, but this back region has been the most problematic at the moment.

While I was in the hospital, I was able to get access to a clinical trial treatment using “compassionate use” access. I felt fortunate to get the treatment while being well observed and able to receive supportive blood care in the form of platelets and red blood cells. Thank you to all of you who donate blood! I am always grateful when I get blood!

Although we hoped that the pain could be controlled with medicine, that was not the case. In the end, I needed to get radiation to the spine to clear out the cancerous cells. I think that is when I started to really get some relief and able to finally come home.

While I was in the hospital, isolated from all that is “normal” in my cancer world, it was the strange situation this time that ALL of us were and are in isolation in some form or fashion.            

It was only after getting released from the hospital that I really felt like I joined all of you in experiencing the upheaval that this pandemic of Covid-19 is causing. We each face our own circumstances, fears, and anxieties of what this crisis could mean for us and our loved ones. It looks different for each of us, but we are all experiencing something similar too – all together and all at once. There is nothing, in recent historical memory, that I can think of that is like this time.

However, there is so much in this pandemic experience that reminds me of what I wrestle with in living with my disease. It is when things are shaken that what matters most comes to the surface. That’s what I want to share with you today.

Deep Breath….

Living with an uncurable cancer has forced me to confront those BIG questions of life and death, faith and doubt, hope and fear….which given easier life circumstances would likely be delegated to the occasional night of insomnia, glass of wine, or fun intellectual conversation should the mood and company be right. Instead, these questions are NOT fun pursuits of the intellect, but heart wrenching, soul twisting, real-life problems I struggle with on a regular basis. And it comes down to this: What matters, I mean REALLY matters in life? And is God trustworthy in his promises to deliver what I think REALLY MATTERS.

So when things blow up – cancer, job loss, fear of safety, loved ones in danger, not knowing what is next or what is to come…when everything is in upheaval….does God, and faith in God still make sense?

This past summer has been a time of wrestling with God. You see, I desperately want to live! I don’t want my kids and husband to experience the kind of loss my death would have on them. Not to mention my parents and sister and friends. But of them all, it is my boys that break my heart the most. I want to live for them.

So, I search the bible and see Jesus healing everywhere he went! Over and over again, “Go, your faith has made you well”. I read and re-read scriptures on healing. I know and believe the God is able to heal me. He is powerful enough. The question in my mind has not been “can he heal me”, but rather “Will he heal me”. What will be my fate?

In some circles of Christian believers, if I have enough faith, I will be healed. That seems like a heavy burden on the sick which I don’t believe we were intended to carry. Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” We are always coming to Jesus with “not enough”. We are not enough. We have nothing to offer or save ourselves with, so why would I be expected to muster a miraculous life-saving faith to do the will of God? It doesn’t make sense to me.

Not only that, it seems clear that believers suffer. That suffering is a part of the world – something everyone experiences. Although there may be miracles, the vast majority of Christians will in fact face all of the troubles this world has to offer. Although we are loved, we are not free from the troubles all people face – troubles Jesus himself faced.

So what is the point then? If both believers and non-believers go through the same thing and there are no promises of protection, of health and wealth and comfort – what is the point of faith?

This is what I have come to believe is the MOST important question in life…It is the question of meaning…it asks about the nature of our life and death and whether or not there is meaning or purpose in it. That is where the faith comes in, because the nature of reality I put my faith in is that I have a soul.

It is the soul which gives life and death meaning.

I believe there is a part of each of us that is of eternal worth and value. There is a part of each of us that is the essence of who we are – who God created us to be.  I believe my soul is either healthy or not. It is either alive or not. It is either breathing or is constricted.

We know our bodies will not last. Our souls will. Our souls will be affected by how we live our lives – our choices and our beliefs. It is our souls that we need to pay the most attention to.

Sometimes our worlds get shaken up. Troubles will come. I am so glad that my faith doesn’t ask that I have no feelings about things getting messed up, broken and scary. I don’t have to be perfect and serene (although God’s Spirit can bring peace).

It is in faith that I can cry out to God. I know that I am his and he is mine and I am not alone. It is enough. When it is not enough for me, that’s ok too, he is patient with my weakness. He loves me. And whatever happens around me or in my body, I know my soul – that core piece of me – is well because Jesus made it well with me.

Love is Patient, Love is Kind

Valentines’ Day is around the corner. With that, I thought it might be interesting to reflect on the verses most read at weddings, from the “love chapter”, 1 Cor 13. Additionally, in my last post I was reflecting on the need to love others more. I can think of no other passage in which biblical love is described so clearly and directly.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient.

The very first description of love is patience. It is as if to recognize from the start that this is going to be hard, because the need for patience alludes immediately to conflict. When we are interacting with other people, there is going to be conflict – ALWAYS – because we are different people, with different perspectives, goals, experiences, and beliefs.  To love others is to be patient with one another.

Jesus calls us to patience not only with the differences between us, but with personal failings and sin. We will disappoint one another. We will do wrong. We will fail. And others will wrong us, fail us, hurt us. And in all of this too, we are to love by having patience with one another. Forgiving as we have been forgiven, for “love covers a multitude of sins”.

Love is kind.

Kindness is perhaps what we might most commonly think of when we think of loving others. We are “good to them” perhaps being generous with our time, showing mercy to those in need, serving others, building up others with our words, seeing the best in others, encouraging others and in many other ways showing love in action. Kindness is not a feeling. We don’t “feel kind”. We act kind. It is love enacted on behalf of those around us.

Love does not envy and boast, it is not proud.

Envy and boasting – in envy we find ourselves lacking, in boasting we find ourselves better than others. Love does not play this game. Love does not rank people, ourselves included. We are not to compare and create hierarchies of “value” when it comes to people. Love recognizes the inherent value in all people and the inherent sin. Not one of us is better than another. To live that out is to let go of pride -to be humble. Humility is one of the qualities I think of most when I think of Jesus. There has never been anyone greater, but he loved and served the least – the sick, the poor, the sinner. Love does not allow us to get our value by being above, ahead of, or better than others. Love recognizes the shared condition of all mankind and finds our value instead in Christ and his deep love for us.

To elaborate on how love is not proud: It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Pride takes shape in our lives in so many ways. It puts others down with name calling, shaming, gossiping about, and disparaging others. Or, pride may mean always putting yourself and your needs first. “I don’t want to…(insert sacrifice here)”. It might mean climbing over others to get your agenda met. Anything that opposes you, may cause anger. “Why are you arguing with me?” Other people’s behavior that conflicts with your plan or desires may cause anger. Conversely, love is slow to anger. It seeks reconciliation and understanding. Finally, love keeps no record of wrongs. That big fight – let’s not keep bringing it up after we resolved the argument and forgave each other. Holding on to past sins is one more way to put us above others, so that we can be the “righteous” one in the relationship – on guard against the next slip up and ready to build our case again. Love offers a clean slate.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

And then this verse, which has teeth. In my mind, even as I have been writing about clean slates, I have been thinking about those victims of abuse. I fear the call to forgive being used as a biblical reason to stay in an unsafe environment. I am grateful for God’s corrective wisdom in his word. Love doesn’t delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Abuse is evil and love celebrates escaping from physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. It is love, which confronts those things that need to be confronted: abuse, addiction, infidelity, neglect, and other evils.

Love advocates for truth. It is this love that is enacted in a long history of Christian social justice movements – calling out evils in the world and advocating for change. It is this love that worked to abolish slavery, change child labor laws, and gave women the right to vote. It is this love that will engage the pressing issues of our time – immigration, high homicide rates in our cities, abortion law, corporate and political corruption, and environmental stewardship. As Christians, we are to engage on these issues in love and humility.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

We are to protect our families and loved ones, protect the weak and defenseless, protect and shield one another from evil and harm. We are to trust in God, in his faithfulness, mercy and love. Trust in the word and trust one another. We are to hope. Hope in salvation. Hope in mercy for today “in the land of the living”. Finally, we are to persevere. Loving is tough. Forgiving is hard. Being humble and letting go of pride is no fun. In all of this we will stumble.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Cor 4:7-9

Love perseveres. It is strengthened in trial. It grows over time. It struggles, changes and matures. Love is patient, love is kind – and so must we be – with ourselves and others even as we grow in our love for one another.

Love One Another

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 
John 15:12

Since reading the last “I am” statement from John 15, I have been thinking of Jesus’s commandment to love other people as he has loved me. I feel convicted of how little I do that. I want to love others well, but I have to admit that too often I get caught up in myself and fall short. What is in front of me takes center stage and I forget to reach out to all the lovely people around me. It is one of my weak spots. When I think about loving others well it is the first thing that pops up, but when I go to scripture loving others is fleshed out even more.

Jesus’ Sermon on the mount is all about how to love others. When angry, we are to reconcile with our brother. We shall not demean our spouses and vows by looking lustfully at others. Nor take divorce lightly. We are to be honest, not liars, trustworthy and letting out word be our bond without oaths and swearing. We are to return good for evil, loving even out enemies. We are to give to the needy in quiet and humble ways, not to lord it over or draw attention to ourselves. He teaches us to pray and emphasizes forgiving each other as we have been forgiven. We are encouraged to not be anxious for material things, that God will provide, allowing us to be generous. We are not to judge others when we ourselves are full of our own sins. We are to ask God for our needs. And, finally, “whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” – the golden rule.

And this is just one teaching on loving others.

In the letters to the churches we are encouraged to love:

+Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.

+through love serve one another

+Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor

+ with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,

+stir up one another to love and good works,

+Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

+and may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you

It all seems like a tall order when taken together! At which point we can cry out “I am only human!”. Or we can pray that God would work in our hearts to increase the love we have for those around us. And all that I read says that he can! That our love for other people can grow and increase as we pray for them and repent of our own pride and self-centered natures. That is, I believe, an ongoing battle for us all! But it’s a battle worth having. I love that the encouragement Paul gives is to be “patient with one another” and “love covers a multitude of sins”. It is a glimpse into the reality that love isn’t always easy and rosy. It is work! And it works on us!

So today, I hope to “stir us up” to love and good works. We are called not only to love God, but to love ALL people – deserving or not, just as he loves us.

I AM: the Vine

John 15:1-11

In my opinion, this passage is one of the most beautiful passages in the bible. The image is again one of oneness with Christ. It is a picture of the vine being the root from which the branches draw their nourishment and life. This happens naturally as the branches abide in and live connected to the vine. In that abiding comes the fruit we desire – the character and love which marks us as followers of Jesus.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” 

I love that the branches do not strive to press out the fruit. There is not the anxiousness of trying to produce the fruit on their own. Can you imagine a branch trying to squeeeeeze out grapes! Ridiculous! It is simply in living in the vine, in the connection and obedience to Christ that the fruit grows naturally. It is grace and the work of the Holy Spirit in us.

So how do we do it? What does this abiding look like? Do we just live our lives deciding we are Christians and the fruit effortlessly grows? Is there nothing that we have to do? No, not exactly. I believe scripture says we need to be rooted in the love of Christ first and foremost. We need to fully trust that he loves us and rest and live in that love that the Creator has for each of us personally. Paul prays for the church:

that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Eph 3:17-19

Did you catch the reference to the vine? He prays that we be rooted in love, so that we may be filled with the fullness of God. So the key is love. Jesus says that the same love that God the Father has for Jesus the Son, he also has for us! For US! Even though we sin and have junk going on in our hearts that maybe no one else sees. He loves us!

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 

So this is where the rubber hits the road in the christians life. If we say we love Jesus, if we believe in his sacrifice and understand his deep love for us, then we act on this belief by obeying the commands of God. What he desires for us becomes important to us. It is not about control, it is about trusting that God’s wisdom and goodness surpasses ours and surrendering ourselves to him by obeying him and following his ways. “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” Again, obedience isn’t about God trying to control us – we have freedom of choice -but he knows better than anyone what will give us complete joy.

So what is this command that will give us joy and will be our act of obedience as we grow in Christ?

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” My first reaction is one of relief because I WANT to do that! Then I find that loving others is so easy to want to do, but so hard to practice! Hard because I am so often selfish or prideful and it gets in the way of loving others well. However, this command is ultimately the outward proof that shows others that we belong to Christ. Not that any of us does it perfectly, but we are called to love one another. Starting with our families, which may be hard enough! But extending to our coworkers, our friends, our neighbors and communities, all the way to our enemies (who might be in our families, our friends, our neighbors or in our communities!).

Jesus is the vine, we are the branches, and we can do nothing apart from him. He has given us a mission which cannot be done apart from the work of the Holy Spirit in us. So while abiding and loving others should not be a white knuckling act to develop the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control), these qualities should naturally grow in us as we abide in Christ, listen to the Holy Spirit within us, and try to live in obedience to Jesus with the full assurance of his grace and mercy. And that is what is so beautiful!

I Am: the Way, the Truth and the Life

Sometimes Jesus says things so “new” they leave his followers completely confused. Some ideas, even if they are no longer new to us, leave people in disbelief. One such topic is heaven. Another is that Jesus is God. In John 14, Jesus speaks to both topics as he prepares his disciples for his death and resurrection.

Going through the story, he again tells his disciples at the Last Supper about his mission to go to the cross. “Where I am going you cannot come.” They are confused. They don’t know what he is talking about so they ask him, “Where are you going? Why can’t we follow you?”

Jesus, looking ahead to what he is about to accomplish, tells them he is going to his Father’s house to prepare a place for his followers. And then this promise, “I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”

This is the heart of God! God’s desire for intimacy and togetherness, for oneness is at the heart of the gospel. He wants to be with us, but sin is keeping us apart. His desire is that we experience his presence in heaven free from sin – “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” It is a promise of not only new eternal life, but one of such a different character than anything we have ever experienced because there is no sin, death, or pain. This “I am” statement is about how we get there.

 “And you know the way to where I am going.”, he continues. To which Thomas expresses what they were probably all thinking, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” or in other words, “Huh!?! I don’t get it!”

But here comes the hard part…he part that makes Jesus so controversial even today. Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”

 “Great!” his disciples say, just show us the Father and it will enough.

“Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does his works. Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves.

So, there it is: Jesus directly claims to be God. It is this truth about Jesus we must grapple with because it is the basis of his authority. If he is not God then what does it matter if he said “No one comes to the Father except through me.”. If he is not God, we can reject that as “narrow” or “unfair”. If he IS God though…if he IS God, we had better pay attention.

I cannot help but think of this quote of C.S. Lewis regarding this dilemma:

“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”

So, let’s assume for arguments sake that we accept that Jesus is God. It is in coming at this “I am” statement with that point of view that this controversial statement begins to make sense. Remember, this all began with him telling his disciples that he is going to die on the cross and go to heaven and prepare a place for them there. He is the way to heaven. He is telling the truth. He is the life as demonstrated by his miracles and ultimately his own resurrection.

Why can no one come to the Father except through him? Because he IS the Father. It is God himself taking on our sin on the cross and defeating death with his own resurrection. This is no culture war. He died for all people in all cultures. He was not trying to argue philosophies and traditions. His point was that the way to God is knowing him! It is based in true relationship with the Father and knowing his character and purpose in Jesus. He is merciful. He is humble. He is just and righteous and holy. It is the cross which marries God’s holiness and need to deal with sin with his mercy and grace to do what we can not do on our own.

And let’s not forget why! That glimpse of heaven! God’s plan to reunite with us in that place where the former things have passed away and there is no more pain or sin. How can we have heaven if we take our own junk there? It would just be an eternal life of what it is like on earth. That’s not heaven! Then there are many people who want to believe that there is an open door for all people, everywhere, at all times, no matter how they live or what they believe. Wouldn’t that be easy? It would require nothing from us. Not faith. Not obedience. Not sacrifice. Not even knowing God.

Instead we are given a choice. It is the choice of rejecting Jesus as God or accepting his divinity and his claim to be “the way, the truth, and the life.” While the choice is ours, I believe Jesus is calling each of us to him. He loves us each individually and uniquely and is ready to rush to our side if we would have him with us. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” The door is open, but the door is Jesus.